Every comedy needs a sequel. This much is true. Regardless of how one-note the comedic premise of a movie is, a joke is a joke, and should rightly have every last granule of life strained from it to take the maximum amount of profit from those only too content to spend money on seeing it.

‘Ted’ is no different. Ted is a cute teddy bear that sounds like Peter Griffin who constantly has filth seeping from his furry mouth. In and of itself alone, that is the alpha and omega of Comedy, the abso-laugh. It is hiliarity defined. And, surely enough, Seth McFarlanes comedic conveyer belt of a mind doesn’t fail to let us down here as the film opens. We find our cute cuddly curmudgeon being married to the tickelingly trash Tammy-Lynn from the first movie. Does he take the bride? ‘You betchya fuckin’ ass I do’ says Ted. He’s in a church saying that! Outrageous. He’s a teddy bear.

As we cut to the opening titles, we are treated to Ted in an elaborate ballroom dancing number with a flurry of human dancers. There’s no jokes or comedic mis-steps involved here, per se. Indeed, there’s barely any discernible skill on show, it’s just a standard ballroom dancing scene. But as an idea, it is show-stoppingly hilarious. Close your eyes and imagine a teddy bear ballroom dancing. If you’re not smiling, you’re an idiot.

Some of the comedy in this movie is so cerebral I couldn’t quite figure out when I was meant to laugh. Like in the scene where Liam Neeson makes his cameo. He’s buying cereal at the store, and is dubious about purchasing it because it’s generally considered to be made for kids. There was a joke in there somewhere (and I fully intend on paying to see the movie again so I can understand it), but I laughed anyway because I saw Liam Neeson.

The best running joke from the movie is undoubtedly the following, however. McFarlanes forensic comedic eye has clearly noticed that a certain black male appendage enjoys quite a prevalence on the internet. So, any time a Google search is invoked into the narrative, the characters are invariably directed to ‘black cocks’ on the web. I had to explain this one to my friend. You see, ‘cock’ is funny on its own. But nothing makes anything funnier than some casual racial stereotyping. Hence, the ‘black cocks’ joke. ‘Black cocks’! If you’re not laughing, you might be slightly autistic.

It was also refreshing to see another comedy where all the best gags were included in the trailer. The only reason I went to see this movie was so I could witness Marky Mark being saturated in come on the big screen. He is absolutely drenched in the stuff. Thank heavens that was in the trailer, because if I hadn’t been given prior warning that such a scene existed, I would have laughed hard enough to make some ‘sperm’ of my own! ;)

Scenes involving weed and people being high are also inherently funny. Ted 2 is full of them and is much the better for it. Amanda Seyfried smokes bong (that way, we know we’re meant to like her), they smoke bong in the library, in the park. If you see a bong in movie you actually have a civic duty to laugh. At one point, the characters are forced to spend the night in a field full of pot plants – and then they actually get stoned on the pot plants. Who does that?! However, it isn’t until Amanda Seyfreid takes out a bong that is shaped like a certain piece of male genitalia that this movie comes into its own. It simply transcends wit.

I have untold affection for this film. I haven’t even got the time to go into the complex plot (Ted has to prove he’s human), because the amount of sheer comic gold that’s littered throughout. Ted 2 has reinvented the comedy genre for the better.

And if you haven’t realized I’m being sarcastic, then you would genuinely love Ted 2.

Ted 2 is pointless muck. It’s sole purpose should be to line DVD bargain bins, unloved and unnoticed, alongside ‘Alien Autopsy’ and ‘King Ralph’. Like the most poignant scene in the film, viewers will be forgiven for feeling as if they’ve just been drowned in the disposed ejaculate of the increasingly irrelevant ‘comedy’ writers that continue to churn out this anaemic but inexplicably lucrative drivel.

Written by Shane Hennessy

Ted 2
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